Surviving Cancer & Finding Moments of Joy and Creativity
Cancer changed my life in ways I never could have expected. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It made me realize my priorities, my strength and determination, and the value of time. I have learned to live in the present, find joy in the little moments and stopped living in the mindset of “one day” and started working to make things happen, saying yes to things that bring me joy, whether that be travel, a cup of coffee, or taking big leaps in business (more on this to come soon!).
I decided to share my journey as a reminder that cancer can happen at any age - if you notice anything unusual, please don’t wait to get checked. Something I have learned through hard times is that you are your best advocate.
a breast cancer diagnosis
I painted this watercolor painting the night before my biopsy in October of 2021. I didn’t know it at the time, but my breast cancer journey had already begun. After finding a lump, an ultrasound and mammogram lead to some suspicion, enough to warrant the biopsy.
When I arrived, I found out that they would also be doing a second biopsy of a lymph node. I’m not going to lie, I was nervous. Who wouldn’t be? I had so many emotions including fear and a lot of anxiety, but I was hopeful for good news.
The crazy thing is, both biopsies came back benign. Which was very reassuring. I cried happy tears of relief. Then I got a call from the nurse that even though the biopsies came back benign, they weren’t 100% sure. The biopsy results didn’t quite match what they were seeing on the mammogram so they decided to do a surgery to remove the lump, just in case. They thought the likelihood of it being cancer was low, but it was better to be proactive. And so began the waiting. In the almost 2 months before my surgery, I was able to enjoy a wonderful wedding, visit family and friends and go to Disney World. I enjoyed these moments, holding onto hope that everything would be okay. This surgery ended up leading to my breast cancer diagnosis. I had no idea all that was ahead of me, but I knew I would face whatever may come head on. I have since come to realize that somehow, no matter what, everything will be okay.
Painting for me has been a wonderful outlet, a way to explore my feelings and communicate in a visual and intuitive way. It’s also very calming. Sort of like journaling, it’s a way for me to get the thoughts out of my head and find a new place for them so that I can process and stay present.
A break from business
I have always been very determined and self-reliant. But during cancer treatments, I learned how to accept help from others and how to take a break. I learned that it’s okay to take a break. To rest. To prioritize self care. To set boundaries. To change your mind. To ask for help. To take things one day at a time. I know a lot of women continue working through cancer treatments, but everyone’s journey is different and I wasn’t in a place where I was able to deliver my best work. I gave myself permission to take the time to heal, so that I could come back as the best version of myself and I’m so glad that I did.
My cats cuddled with me for hours and I balanced taking it easy with going for walks when I could and doing crossword puzzles to improve my “chemo brain”. I also continued to paint when I could and focused on staying present.
treatments
After my initial surgery, I had a second surgery 2 weeks later to remove lymph nodes to make sure the cancer didn’t spread and thankfully, it didn’t. There are so many tests performed and decisions to be made in such a quick period of time and I have to say, this initial period after diagnosis was overwhelming to say the least.
Throughout this journey, I found it was so helpful to have doctors that I trust. The absolute lowest moment of my journey for me was my meeting with an initial oncologist. I had lots of questions, having just been diagnosed, and she told me she had other patients to get to and focused on making sure I knew the worst case scenarios. It wasn’t a clear cut decision as to whether or not I needed chemo and there were lots of factors to consider. In this moment, I needed someone to be open with me, but also someone who was caring and reassuring, and unfortunately, this was far from how the appointment went.
So, I got a second opinion and switched oncologists. This was one of the best decisions I made. My current oncologist is knowledgeable and honest, while also caring and understanding how much anxiety comes with a cancer diagnosis. She reassured me that I was going to be okay and together we made the decision to move forward with chemo. Ultimately, I wanted to do everything in my power to keep the cancer from coming back. I never thought this is something I would agree to, but you really don’t know until you’re actually in this situation.
Chemo was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I have absolutely no regrets. I tend to be sensitive to certain medications and chemo proved to be no different. During my second round, I had a hypersensitivity reaction to one of the chemo drugs. Thanks to a wonderful staff at the infusion center, I never felt in any danger. They were quick to react and we made some slight adjustments to the plan. With a new chemo, my third round was definitely the toughest. After a trip to the ER the following morning, calls to my doctors, and over 12 hours of chest pains and a racing heart followed by a fever and body aches, I found myself in tears waiting and hoping the next day will be better. And it was. I got through chemo by taking it literally one moment at a time and leaning on friends and family who I’m so grateful were there for me each step of the way.
My husband collected letters from friends and family and I brought them with me to chemo. Some of them were funny and some were heartfelt and I loved them all. They were the perfect distraction and brought me so much comfort knowing how much support and love I had. For the majority of chemo, I sat with my hands and feet in ice as a precaution to hopefully prevent neuropathy. It worked, but was definitely not the most comfortable. I am truly grateful for all of the support I received - it made a huge difference getting through chemo.
Losing my hair from chemo wasn’t at all as I expected. It was emotional, itchy and uncomfortable. There’s something about the loss of control and for a period of time no longer recognizing myself in the mirror. But, as this and all the other side effects of chemo came, I chose to look at it as a sign that chemo was doing it’s job. Even though it was tough, losing my hair was also empowering and freeing in a way. I loved feeling the rain and wind on my head, it made me feel alive. I felt more confident than ever before because I started showing up in a way that felt authentic to me, regardless of what others thought or expected.
Following chemo, I had 33 rounds of radiation. Everyone is different, but for me radiation was so much easier. I was really tired and had some radiation burns, but no major issues. For me, most of the side effects of radiation came after the fact, but with some physical therapy, stretching and paying attention to my body, these issues have been fairly manageable.
My cancer was hormone positive, so after active treatments ended, I started hormone therapy. The first option we tried was technically recommended and a bit more aggressive, but after some other major health issues, we decided it was too hard on my body and changed courses again and I’m feeling so much better. I’ll likely be on my current treatment for 5-10 years and am so grateful for the advancements in medicine that have made this possible. It has taken a lot of time to get my energy and focus back, but over time, I’m finally feeling like myself again.
Finding joy in tough times
Even though cancer treatments took a lot out of me, I refused to let them steal my joy. I also was so determined not to miss out on some of the special moments in life, like my sister’s wedding. The day after my second round of chemo, we drove 16 hours to go to my sister’s wedding (well actually I couldn’t drive so my amazing husband drove the whole way!). Luckily, we had some time to rest and recover a bit prior to the wedding. When the wedding day arrived, I wasn’t feeling great, but I put on my wig and mask and had so much fun dancing and celebrating. Being there meant the world to me. I was even able to create designs for their wedding stationery and give a speech. It was a moment I truly didn’t want to miss and my wonderful team of doctors made sure I would be able to attend.
After my active treatments ended, it took a while to start feeling like myself again, but I was able to enjoy traveling, tap dancing as I slowly gained my stamina back, and joined ceramics classes. Being able to enjoy these moments felt so amazing and gave a glimpse of what it might be like to move forward.
Back to business with a renewed sense of purpose
It’s hard to even explain what it’s like to go through cancer treatments. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through mentally and physically. Cancer changed me. It has a way of putting everything in perspective. I know that I will never be the same person I once was, and in a way, I’m grateful for that. I have a renewed sense of creativity and purpose and it completely changed how I approach both life and business.
I’m much more willing to take risks and focus on the possibilities. I’m less anxious, more confident and have taken a close look at what I want my business to be and how I want it to help others. Stay tuned to learn more about how my business has evolved and the direction it’s heading in! In case you haven’t guessed it, I’m following joy in my business, feeling more confident and saying yes to some things that I thought may never be possible.
My business has changed in both the products and services I offer. From the expressive paintings I created around the time of my diagnosis and treatments, I created journals to hopefully connect with and help others. I also decided to transition from offering branding design to going back to my roots and focusing on designing wedding stationery. I love creating custom artwork that is personal and unique, to help make the process as stress-free as possible, and get creative to deliver designs that impress both my couples and their guests.
2 years cancer free
As of my scans yesterday, I am officially 2 years cancer free! There were times when it truly felt like I didn’t know how I would make it to the next day, but I made it! I often took it moment by moment, which not only helped me get by, but gave me a greater appreciation for the present. Each year around my scans, waves of anxiety creep in, but I remind myself of the hope that got me through the past 2 years and how I have come to a place where I know that no matter what, I will be okay. I have learned to advocate for myself. I have learned to accept that sometimes things don’t go as planned, but it is possible to gain so much in the process.
Cancer will always be a part of my story and how I got to where I am, but I’m looking forward to it being less a part of my day to day life. My heart truly breaks for those who don’t have this opportunity. My health is something I will never take for granted.
a new outlook
I am excited to move forward with a new outlook. I have realized that life can be challenging and beautiful at the same time. That the worst thing I’ve gone through has also made me stronger, more determined, more confident and ready to live in a way that I had only dreamed of before. Cancer is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but in a way, it gave me a second chance at life. I have overcome so much and am able to put myself out there and not hold back in following my dreams.
giving back
Journaling also got me through some tough times and I decided to merge this with my love of painting and have been creating journals to help others as well.
People helped me in so many ways throughout my cancer diagnosis, treatment and beyond and I truly wanted to find a way to give back to others going through a similar experience. Hence the journal donation program was born! Through this program, I have been able to donate journals to others going through cancer treatments. Journals are currently being donated to Beautiful You by Profile, a nonprofit in Grand Rapids, MI that helps women and girls undergoing cancer treatment, as well as other ways to donate as I see fit. Read more about journal donations at the link below.